Friday, February 29, 2008

The Three Little Bops

I'd taped an episode of Porky Pig on Teletoons Retro last night and this was one of the three cartoons that aired during the show. I loved it!!! It's a jazzy re-telling of The Three Little Pigs that I'd never seen before. Dig the dancing crowd scene at the 4:57 mark. Funny! Enjoy...

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Try finding a good hat for an over-sized head

Hump Day
Published Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Appeared on page D6, Moncton Times & Transcript

This is the last column I'll ever write . . . as a 43 year old, that is.

The next time you're regaled by my outstanding prose (translation: the next time you read my column), I will be the ripe old age of 44 -- that's 308 in dog years. If I were a dog, however, I'd be looking into a good retirement home -- or calling the Guinness Book of World Records.

At 5:56 p.m. on Tuesday, March 3, 1964, li'l ol' me was yanked out of my mother's belly at The Moncton Hospital by a certain Dr. McLaughlin, who I'm told was delivering a good chunk of the city's babies back then.

I'm a caesarean baby, the doctor having given up on my being born naturally after finally figuring out that my pumpkin head was too big for my mother to push out. My head is still too big. I was trying on hats last week at the mall and it soon became apparent that I'm a freak of nature when I had to ask the two sales clerks in the store to hang off each side of the hat brim just to squeeze it onto my elephantine noggin.

People with small heads annoy me; they, with their fancy hats and stuff. Meanwhile, I'm stuck having to wear stretchy ones. I want a nice, smart, manly hat. One with no elastic in it. Something that I can wear proudly. Something that will cause people to instantly worship the ground I walk on (more than they do now, I mean).

I hesitate to call my big head a birth defect, but I'm pretty sure that it has its own solar system. Occasionally, out of the corner of my eye, I'll spy a moon or the odd satellite or two orbiting around.

It's sad having a big head. It's not as if you can lose weight and it will get smaller. Cosmetic surgery is not an option either. Then again, even if it were offered, I wouldn't have the guts to go through with it. I'm not a fan of surgery. The doctor would probably slip and lob off an important part of my brain, causing me to wake up thinking that I'm a 16-year-old ballerina from Moscow.

I wouldn't be impressed. I just hope that one of the nurses caring for me speaks Russian so that I can whine and complain before rehearsals for the next dance recital.

We big-headed people (as in literally a big head, not egotistical) are a sorry bunch. We sit around outside on cold days, mostly hatless and shivering, our scalps turning blue if we haven't managed to scrounge up an ugly knitted cap to stretch over our football field-sized skulls. Meanwhile, well-dressed men with fashionable hats walk by and look down on us with pity, chuckling with disdain at the badly made concoctions keeping our heads warm -- likely knitted en masse by some naked Chinese kids in an unheated factory somewhere in the country that I can't pronounce.

They say that your nose continues to grow throughout your lifetime. I hope that doesn't apply to your head too, because by the time I'm 60, I'm going to have to have the doorways in my house widened and buy a wheelbarrow in which to rest my chin whenever I leave the house.

On the plus side, maybe I'd be able to earn some extra cash by renting out my forehead as a screen for drive-in theatres.

If my head keeps growing, I'll likely need my very own telethon, too. That'll be nice. I hope people are generous. After all, wouldn't it suck to have a telethon and then no one calls to donate? How depressing. "We're in hour six of our Jerry Lewis 'Give Brian a New Head Telethon' and no one has donated, not even his mother," the announcer would plead. (I hope it's Ryan Seacrest. He's pretty good.) Maybe my mother's still touchy about those 12 hours of labour I put her through before they operated.

Just a warning, dear mother: if you don't donate to my telethon, I'm putting you in a home the minute you stub your toe.

Wait. How did I get sidetracked onto this subject? Oh yeah. My birthday.

Actually, birthdays are really no big deal for me anymore. They were when I was younger, of course. I'd have kids from school and the neighbourhood over for cake, games, hanging out, etc. And when I turned 40, I had a party and several friends treated me to meals in restaurants. That was nice, although I must say that the gifts were quasi-perverse and likely illegal in most God-fearing countries.

I think turning 40 automatically gives your friends permission to seek out the filthiest, most disgusting novelty items that a person can find. Some of the stuff would have made Satan weep, I'm sure!

There's nothing special about 44, though, other than being halfway to 88, when I'll likely be spending my days staring at my bowling ball-sized prostate preserved in a bottle that sits atop the TV. I'll shuffle over to it every morning with my spiffy walker and give it a little wink and throw a dirty laugh its way, thinking of the good old days when it was actually useful. "We had some good times, old boy. We sure did."

I think this year's birthday celebrations will be low-key. I'll get a few cards and will likely get invited out for a lunch or two. The office will hopefully remember, and we'll celebrate with some munchies during a hastily organized last-minute get-together. The cats will forget, as usual. Ingrates!

As you age, your reference of time gets bigger and bigger. Just recently, I started qualifying certain friends as "having known them for over 30 years." That still boggles my mind, because that's quite a long time. Soon, I'll be upgrading that to over 40 years, and then beyond that.

But I'd give them all up today for a hat that fits my freakish head.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Some exciting news!

I was asked today by the Moncton Times & Transcript to consider a second column for them - this time a weekly review of American Idol! Of course, I said "yes" immediately. This will be in addition to my Hump Day column that runs on the editorial page on Wednesdays.

This new American Idol review column will run the day after each performance show and results show - so a minimum of twice weekly beginning next week. Actually, there will be three columns next week and three the following week, then two weekly after that. Each column will run on the front page of the Life & Times section.

If you recall, I wrote a weekly Canadian Idol review column for the newspaper in 2005 - and even got to interview some of the contestants! In 2006, Brunswick News asked 2005 Idol contestant Casey LeBlanc to write the reviews, which were syndicated in all three dailies: Times & Transcript, Telegraph-Journal and Daily Gleaner. In 2007, no Idol column appeared in any of the newspapers. This year, I'm happy that the Times & Transcript has resurrected the column (this time on American Idol) and once again asked me to write it. I'm "right excited", as they say around these parts.

Thanks to the Times & Transcript for the opportunity once again to write on my obsession. Check out the first column in next Wednesday's paper.

My top three male performance picks from last night's American Idol - February 26, 2008

Last night was the "Night of the Davids", as far as I'm concerned.

#1 for the night (no contest!) - David Archuleta - "Imagine":

Screaming girls, guys, etc., is a good sign, kid! Paula bawled. I loved her comment about dangling him from her rear-view mirror. Too funny! That kid is too adorable for words.

#2 for the night - David Hernandez - "Papa Was A Rolling Stone":

#3 for the night - David Cook - "All Right Now":

In closing, I just want to say that I'm a huge fan of Jason Castro (the guy with the dreadlocks) and I thought he did very well last night. Didn't agree with the judges at all. But the three Davids were far and above anyone else.

I think Jason Yeager and Robbie Carrico are out this week.

Today's Hump Day column...

... can be found on the editorial page (pg. D6) of the Moncton Times & Transcript. "Try finding a good hat for an over-sized head" talks about my upcoming birthday and my huge pumpkin-sized head. Try to find a hat for that! Check it out in today's paper or when it's posted here online tomorrow.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Paula Abdul's new song: Dance Like There's No Tomorrow

Her first single in 12 years! It was worth the wait. This is a great song. The video premiered on American Idol on February 21.

This week's Hump Day column...

... is all about an upcoming birthday and the fact that I have a monstrous head. Don't worry, it will all make sense when you read it. Check it out on the editorial page of tomorrow's (Wednesday's) Moncton Times & Transcript or check back here on Thursday when it will be posted online.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Just in case you weren't counting...

Christmas is in 10 months...

MADtv's Tickle Me "Emo"

Too funny!