Thursday, December 24, 2009

What one writer is hoping Santa will do this year

Hump Day
By Brian Cormier
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Moncton Times & Transcript
Editorial page

Dear Santa:

This is Brian. You know, the guy with two cats who talks about himself a lot. The guy who hates wind chimes. The guy with road rage who screams at other drivers when he's alone in the car (and hopes no one else is looking). I know I'm weird. My brain is clogged with cat fur. It was bound to happen.

Anyway, sir, since it's nearly Christmas, I was hoping that I could send in this last-minute wish list. Since this will be posted online, I assume your media monitoring service will pick it up and someone in your public relations department will flag it for follow-up and action. If there's one way to get the attention of an international celebrity, it's writing about him in the newspaper.

First of all, this Christmas, I want you to give the ability to drivers to learn what "right of way" means. The other day, another drive cut me off (I clearly had the right of way) and she gave me the finger when I oh so gently beeped my horn at her. Well, perhaps "oh so gently" isn't exactly characterized by leaning on it for 10 seconds and screaming at her. But still, her finger was rude, especially during the holidays. Feel free to ask the reindeer to leave -- uhm -- a "special gift" in her stocking tomorrow night.

Also, it would be greatly appreciated if you would drop a how-to guide in everyone's stocking about how to return shopping carts to the outside collection areas instead of just leaving them in the middle of the parking lot for other cars to run into. I realize that walking two spots over to drop the cart off is a tough job, but our cars and bumpers would greatly appreciate it.

When I'm sitting with someone in a restaurant with someone and they blow their nose, please make it common knowledge that it's really gross to deposit the tissue right in front of me on the table. I cannot tell you how many people do this. It happens all the time. It baffles me.

I care about the environment as much as anyone else, but could you please leave a lump of coal in the stockings of those who berate others for sending Christmas cards because -- in their opinion -- it's not "environmentally friendly"? I mean, come on. It's Christmas, for heaven's sake. Sending a personal greeting in the mail isn't going to make the sun dim. Not everyone has e-mail, so a card is often a nice way to send an actual hand-written note, a rarity these days. The quality of my handwriting is deteriorating year after year, so I plan on keeping up the tradition, if only to keep from writing like a gorilla holding a pencil for the first time.

Now, those are my rather selfish requests for this Christmas -- you know, the stuff that will make me personally happy. However, here are some other requests.

For all those experiencing hunger and homeless this year, I hope you are able to provide them with hope and a sense of inner self-worth so that they may heal and move forward with their lives to become self-sustainable and happy. Everyone deserves a warm bed to sleep in and a belly full of food.

Speaking of the homeless, please don't forget all those animals in shelters around the world looking for families to take care of them. Let's hope that after the holidays many of them will be adopted into new homes and will know the joy of curling up to someone on the sofa on the many cold winter nights that are ahead of us.

And please don't forget the children who need parents, too. I'm not too concerned about the babies because they find homes almost immediately, but the older children and sibling groups are a bit harder to place and are just as cute and worthy. Adopting an instant family would be a wonderful gift for a single parent or couple (and the children!) in the coming year, don't you think?

I personally know four couples who'd been together for more than 20 years each who separated this year, Santa. This will be a "different" Christmas for all of them, to say the least. It's my hope that they'll all be able to find a bit of happiness in this first Christmas of their new family situation. It can't be easy, but I hope you're able to say a few more "Ho Ho Hos" when you come down their chimneys on Christmas Eve.

For all those who lost a family member this year or a close friend, please send them a bit of cheer, too. The empty seat at the dinner table will be obvious to everyone, but please give them strength to start new traditions that will continue to bring joy during the holiday season -- and lessen their pain and grief.

Okay, now I'm back to the selfish stuff. I realize you're on vacation during the NHL playoffs, but if you could somehow give some extra "oomph" to the Canadian teams this year, I think I speak for everyone in the country when I say it would be great if one of our teams won the Stanley Cup. Quite frankly, I don't care which one. As long as Montreal, Toronto, Ottawa, Calgary, Edmonton or Vancouver is in the name of the team, I'll be happy... and so will many others! I even predict a few will leave an extra cookie for you and an extra carrot for the reindeer next Christmas Eve!

And one last thing: If one more person tells me to go off my diet just because it's Christmas, please make them gain a minimum of 10 pounds over the holidays. If you do that for me, I may even throw in a $20 bill next to the cookies next year! Thanks for listening, Santa! Love, Brian xox

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