Friday, November 20, 2009

Revenge of the fish

"A man walking alone on a deserted beach comes upon a chocolate eclair. Written and driected by Jeff Stark, this feature stars Ewan McGregor."

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Having a perfectly good week can be disastrous

Hump Day
By Brian Cormier
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Moncton Times & Transcript
Editorial Page

Have you ever had someone call you on the telephone for no reason... perhaps just to say "Hi!"?

And then you sit there, not particularly wanting to talk to anyone, but more than willing to if something interesting needs to be said or there's some juicy piece of gossip that requires spreading, but the person who called has nothing to say?

"What's up?" I ask. "Nothing," they respond. It pretty much goes downhill from there. Remember, calling someone is like going to their home and knocking on the door and wanting to come in and spend some time. Why would anyone do that if they have nothing to say?

This is going to be a column like that. I have nothing to say this week. I was on vacation last week and stayed home. My office pretty much left me alone, so nothing to complain about there. They let me relax, which I appreciate.

I didn't get the flu. I haven't had a cold lately, either. My latest dental check-up was nothing out of the ordinary, either. No cavities. The hygienist told me to floss more. Not exactly front-page news or something that would cause a panicked Peter Mansbridge to interrupt game seven of the Stanley Cup playoffs with a news bulletin so shocking that he's holding a Bible and has mascara-stained tears rolling down his face.

No one died. Everyone is relatively healthy. Sure, I know a few people who have contracted H1N1, but they're recovering or completely over things and back to work or school. I went to Halifax on the weekend and nothing out of the ordinary happened. I didn't have an accident. I didn't get a flat tire. I had a perfectly pleasant trip.

I got paid on time last week. All my expense claims were included, too, and there were no errors. Everyone else who owed me money paid up. Everyone I owe money to was paid on time, as well. Sadly, I didn't win the lottery, but that's not exactly a shocker. Besides, I forgot to buy tickets. No column on that this week, either.

The volunteer work I'm doing couldn't be better. Things in the organizations with which I'm involved are going really well and we're making strides toward great things. I can't write about turmoil and board meetings that end in shootouts, calls to 911 and crying relatives standing over covered bodies after a budget discussion that got out of hand.

Overall, things are pretty good. It's almost enough to make a columnist cry. Where's the tragedy? Where are the floods? I've looked under my sofa cushions for locusts and lepers -- even locusts with leprosy. Heck, I'd even settle for a leprechaun with the sniffles... but so far this week, nothing!

When I ask friends for column ideas on Facebook or Twitter, I get perfectly nice suggestions that would make wonderful columns, but most of the time the suggestions aren't something I'd normally write about or are about events I didn't personally attend, so it makes it a bit difficult to relate to, sometimes.

What did I do to deserve such a bland week, anyway? You'd think I could have figured out something to put me on Santa Claus's naughty list... or at least something to have the Easter Bunny send me a strongly worded letter of disapproval. But no. I had to have a week where nothing momentous happened.

I could have had a UFO fly over my house. But no. I could have heard a knock on my door in the middle of the night only to find a dozen world leaders clamouring for some advice. But no. The only people who knocked on my door this past week were minor hockey players collecting bottles for a fund-raising drive and a couple of perfectly nice young Mormon chaps who were disgustingly courteous.

What is this world coming to? Look, guys, at least realize when you're knocking at a columnist's door, OK, and at least hold a gun to my head and rob me blind. What was that, anyway? You were clean-cut and weren't pushy. You asked if you could come back at some point to chat after I told you I was on the telephone (I really was), and then you responded, "Fair enough!" and smiled and left politely when I told you it would probably be a waste of time. What? No sales job? No temper tantrum? No evil eye? No finger? C'mon! I write a column here!!

I live across the street from a park. Could I have been awakened in the middle of the night to find that some noisy rogue circus with flatulent elephants had set up shop without a permit from the city? Yes. That would have been nice. But no. Instead, I get children playing quietly, people walking their happy, well-fed dogs (always on leash, too!), and a beautiful Christmas tree put up by the municipality. What did I do to deserve this? Why do you people hate me so? Oh woe is me! Alas! Egad! Horrors!

My computer that crashed a few weeks ago is perfectly fine, now. All my data was saved, too. You'd think that the technicians could have found some e-mails I wrote threatening to assassinate Aunt Jemima or kidnap Betty Crocker so that I'd be thrown in jail. But no. Everything went well. I could just spit nails.

The leaky basement I had a few weeks ago? Well, the repairs worked great and even with all the rain we've had lately, the lower level of my home is bone dry. Why, God... why?? If you loved me, I'd wake up to salmon spawning down there.

Let's hope for an eventful seven days so that I have something to write about next week. Bring on the sniffling leprechauns!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

This week's Hump Day column...

... is about writer's block. What's a columnist to do when everything in the past week went well? Nothing to complain or whine about... Sheesh!

Check out Hump Day on the editorial page of today's Moncton Times & Transcript, New Brunswick's highest-circulation newspaper.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Excuse me, there's something in my eye...

A U.S. soldier returned home after several months away. Here's what happened when his dog saw him for the first time...

Have another drink, dear...

Have fun finding a girlfriend, buddy!

Monday, November 16, 2009

The five top-selling singles of all time

I found this by mistake today on Wikipedia and thought it was interesting. According to the site, here are the top-selling singles of all time:

#1: "Candle in the Wind - 1997" by Elton John - 37 million copies sold

#2: "White Christmas" by Bing Crosby - 30 million copies sold

#3: "Silent Night" by Bing Crosby - 30 million copies sold

#4: "Rock Around the Clock" by Bill Haley and the Comets - 25 million copies sold

#5: "Coração de luto" by Teixeirinha - 25 million copies