Thursday, January 07, 2010

New wonder drug works miracle, but has side effects

Hump Day
By Brian Cormier
Wednesday, January 6, 2009
Moncton Times & Transcript
Editorial page

One of my goals this year is to become a millionaire.

As you know, one of the easiest ways to do that is through the pharmaceutical industry. I'm pleased to announce that I've created a new drug that cures bad breath while at the same time stops hair from turning grey and helps you keep excess weight off permanently without dieting or exercise. It's quite an amazing product!

However, as I'm sure you've seen in all those television and magazine ads for new medications, I must legally advise you of certain side effects so you know the risks of taking this new wonder drug that I've baptized 'Briagra.'

Some of those medications I see advertised obviously still sell like crazy, because the absolutely terrifying side effects I see mentioned never seem to scare anyone off. I admit that I haven't done much testing of Briagra, however I've noticed certain things in the handful of brave souls who've agreed to take part in my drug trials.

First of all, Briagra may cause headaches and nausea. And we're not talking "Oh, I really don't feel well" headaches and nausea, I'm talking about headaches so severe you pray for death and stab yourself in the head with a pitchfork to make the pain go away.

And nausea? Oh, this isn't any type of nausea. This is nausea that makes you feel like you're at sea in the worst hurricane in history. Up and down... up and down. Wave after wave of nausea that causes you to be so sick that you have to literally shovel your lungs back inside yourself afterwards.

Briagra may cause you to lose control of your bodily functions while blinking. And should you sneeze in public, let's just say that they'll have to call an ambulance and an international disaster relief organization for professional clean-up and disinfection.

If you cough while taking Briagra, you will go instantaneously blind and your foot may fall off. Well, to be honest, your foot will fall off, no ifs ands or buts about it. If you attempt to speak while on Briagra, you will turn gay (not that there's anything wrong with that). At this time, I would like to apologize to the wife of one of my testers, Tom, after he ran off with Josh the pool boy (not that there's anything wrong with that, either).

Should you decide to eat any kind of food within one week of taking Briagra, please be advised that there is a 100-per-cent chance of instantaneous death. You won't feel a thing. You just drop. At this time, I would also like to send along my deepest condolences to Tom's ex-wife and to Josh the pool boy. Since Tom went fast, at least he made a handsome corpse in the casket.

Any kind of liquid should not be consumed within 30 days of taking Briagra. Doing so will result in the immediate explosion of your eyes. Josh: The glass eyes you chose for Tom after your trip to the bar were quite nice. Please let me know where you got them. I've been getting quite a few inquiries from the alcoholics in our test group.

Breathing while on Briagra will cause excruciating pain in all your extremities. This pain can only be controlled by drinking copious amounts of milk. The reasons for this are not known. You are reminded to not be driving while drinking the milk because your eyes will, in fact, explode immediately. After all, the people who make Briagra (namely me) care about your personal safety and the safety of those on our roads.

Should your heart be pumping while taking Briagra, please ensure that you are seated as your kneecaps will immediately pop off and roll behind the nearest toilet. While taking Briagra, some members of the test group experienced deafness. Well, they all did, actually. This was a blessing since no one could hear each other scream when their eyes exploded. Taking Briagra may cause horrible facial acne that will burst into flames. Be advised that throwing water on these flames caused participants' eyes to explode.

Should you ingest Briagra while outside, you should be aware that you will become instantaneously delicious to coyotes and will be eaten within five minutes. Packs of the animals will smell you from miles away and converge on you immediately, savagely ripping you apart with no hope for survival. It should also be noted that coyote saliva caused our test group members' eyes to explode.

Please do not talk on any type of telephone within six months of taking Briagra. In some members of our test group, this caused their intestines to turn into venomous snakes. Should you take Briagra while outside, however, you may want to do so while talking on a cell phone so that the snakes poison the coyotes. It should be noted that your eyes will explode while talking on the cell phone, as well, so please make the appropriate arrangements with the artificial eye company beforehand.

Having sex while on Briagra is not recommended, as this may cause shooting pains in your nether regions. Some members of the test group said they underwent instantaneous sex changes followed by a slight tingling in their toes just before the toes turned into dandelions. And, of course, their eyes pretty much exploded, too.

For men who become aroused while taking Briagra, this is perfectly normal, however the condition is permanent and will almost certainly result in excruciating pain and eventual amputation. And, well, say "Sayonara!" to your eyes while you're at it.

The good news is, though, that you can definitely operate heavy machinery! So, if you'd like to order Briagra, please contact me and help me reach my goal this year.


Sarah Butland said...

Bravo! I can't believe Times and Transcript would print this but am glad they did so that you wrote it. :) lol

Brian Cormier said...

Ha! Thanks, Sarah!