Thursday, May 13, 2010

All the things that we end up wishing for...

Hump Day
By Brian Cormier
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Moncton Times & Transcript
Editorial section

I wish I forced myself to read more. I miss the feeling of accomplishment of actually finishing a book. I used to be a voracious reader. I guess I still am, but now everything is in snippets of 140 characters or less (Twitter), Facebook updates or short items I read online.

I wish I could walk by the produce section of a grocery store and not have every fresh fruit and vegetable stare at me in terror because they know that coming home with me pretty much means a long, cold death in my refrigerator. A cucumber exists to be eaten, not to turn black and soft after being ignored for weeks.

I wish I would eat all that stuff in my freezer. It's been there forever. It took a lot of time to make and properly store so that I could enjoy it later. I need to stop walking around the house wondering what to eat when simply popping my head inside the freezer will present me with 101 meal ideas.

I wish I would get rid of this darn back pain that's been plaguing me for years. I finally know what it is. I even know which muscle it is. I even have a prescription for physiotherapy. My health plan at work will even pay for it. But I know that as soon as the physiotherapist looks at me, he's going to break it to me that I only have six months to live. (I never professed to be rational.)

I wish I could get a dog. I love dogs. I love all pets, really. I could easily become a crazy pet person. Unfortunately, my lifestyle at the moment just doesn't suit having a dog. That's my loss. And the dog's, too, because I'd probably parade him around the neighbourhood so that everyone could fawn over him.

I wish the basement of my house would stop leaking... and I wish my entire (and sizeable) tax refund didn't have to go to paying for it. I had big plans for that money. Now, it has to go to the company who's going to take a jackhammer to my basement floor and install new drainage tiles.

I wish my cats would stop growing older. They're perfectly fine, but I know that one day it will be time to part with them. I hope the little black cocktail dress I bought for their funerals will still fit me then. And I hope I can find a veiled black hat to cover my puffy eyes and a black lace handkerchief to muffle my hysterical sobs at their oh-so-tragic and dramatic gravesite services.

I wish Another World was still on the air. I used to watch that soap opera every day after school. I wish Atlantic Grand Prix Wrestling was still on, too. What I wouldn't give to watch another match between Killer Karl Krupp and The Great Malumba, or The Beast and The Cuban Assassin. I wish Dave Lockhart was still on the air with Talk Back on CKCW Radio. I wish Betty White would live forever. I wish current TV shows like The Middle, Modern Family, Glee, Cougar Town, How I Met Your Mother, 30 Rock, The Office and Bib Bang Theory would stay on the air forever. I wish summer would get here quickly because that means Big Brother will be back on TV again. I wish Canadian Idol would come back.

I wish I could eat all the ice cream I wanted without gaining weight. And I wish sugar wasn't so toxic for us because I really miss eating sweets. But I don't miss the 100 pounds I've lost since I stopped eating sugar.

I wish the American SPCA would stop running that television commercial for homeless animals with Sarah McLachlan's "Angel" playing in the background. It makes me sad. I can't even watch it. I have to turn the channel.

I wish I'd win the lottery. And no, I have no qualms about winning a huge jackpot. I'm not one of these people who say big jackpots (more than $40 million) are too big. That's like saying water is too wet, ice is too cold, or the surface of the sun is too hot. I want an obscene jackpot. You know, the type where even Bill Gates would shake his head and say, "Whoa... that's way too much money for one person to have." Bring it on!

I wish I could find someone who remembers the Doublemint gum Halloween TV commercial that ran in the 1970s. The ad featured an animated witch who flew around on a broomstick. I think she dropped packs of gum in kids' Halloween bags. No one remembers this ad. Did I dream it? I can't even find reference to it online.

I wish everyone loved Christmas and would stop complaining about it.

I wish people weren't so cynical about the men and women in our community who have chosen to enter public life through political office or other means. People complain that politicians are paid too much. But cut their salaries and see who'd run for office then. If you think they're dumb now...

I wish I could go to the Middle East and settle the entire issue by flipping a coin. And I wish wind chimes were illegal. And I wish I liked yard work more because I like the way it looks after it's nice and tidy. And I wish people who got their cars booted or towed would stop complaining and take their punishment like an adult instead of trying to justify stealing someone else's parking space. (And yeah, you did see the sign. You just didn't care. Seen it happen downtown 100 times.)

I wish I'd stop whining about all this stuff and actually get to work and do something about it!

1 comment:

Sarah Butland said...

Most of these are feasible and easily doable, Brian. I say get your dog and worry about semantics later, give yourself a few weeks off and start eating your frozen left overs, limit your time on social sites to the time necessary to write a fantastic column and then go read a book. Get your basement fixed up and move on. Spend a few extra moments with each cat every day so, even when they pass on you still have incredible memories that will live forever.

Search Youtube for your wrestling, realize that what you find great on tv now will take a step back when even better shows come on the scene.

As far as everything else - don't sweat the small stuff :)

I know, much easier typed than done.