Thursday, June 10, 2010

Don't you just hate it when that happens?

Hump Day
By Brian Cormier
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Moncton Times & Transcript
Editorial section

I want to whine this week, so I'm gonna. That's why they pay me the big bucks, folks. If my pain makes you smile, then my life will have been all worth it.

Don't you just hate it when you make a make a big batch of shrimp, only to find that you forgot to shell them before you threw them in the boiling water?

Don't you hate it when someone who seems to be in a huge rush pulls out in front of you on the road nearly causing you to rear-end them, only to drive about half the speed limit and slam on the brakes every time a cloud goes by in the sky?

Don't you hate it when you get in back of someone at the bank's ATM machine only to find that it's their very first time using it... and they're paying all their bills... and they don't know what they're doing?

Don't you hate it when someone uses the express lane at the grocery store for a maximum of eight items and then throws enough groceries on the conveyor belt to feed an army of starving people? And don't you hate it even more when it's you who's doing it and you have to suffer the stares of the angry people in back of you? And don't you hate it when you only decided to break the rules because there was no one at the cash, but then the minute you put your huge order on the conveyor belt, 10 people showed up behind you each wanting to buy only one grape?

Don't you hate it when drivers decide to stop in the middle of the road to talk to a friend they see walking down the street? And don't you hate it even more when they don't seem to hear your horn, screams and tantrum telling them to get out of the way? (To the driver of the minivan on Centrale Street in Dieppe on Saturday morning, this means you!)

Don't you hate it when you get up early on a Saturday morning to go to a specific vendor at the farmers' market only to find that they're not there that week or have gone for a long leisurely stroll to visit other vendors, leaving you standing like an idiot with your money in hand with no one around to take it?

Don't you hate it when you buy something without doing the proper research and then by the time you decide it's really not for you, it's way too late to return it? Then you do the research online only to find out that you're one of the poor suckers to have bought something that most of the world thinks is a piece of garbage?

Don't you hate it when you're at a business reception and are introduced to someone only to forget their name three seconds later? And then, of course, a colleague joins the conversation and it's quite evident that you forgot the other person's name. "Bill, I'd like to introduce you to Hey You!"

Don't you hate it when you take your lunch to work, only to decide that you really don't feel like eating what you brought? Then you end up buying something, spending $20 and then the lunch you brought goes bad. Good money management, I tell ya.

Don't you hate it when your pets get really needy for attention only when you're busy and don't have time for them? Then, when you do have time, they run away like you're on fire and radioactive. Cats are especially talented at this. Then, they sit and stare at the back of your head until you feel holes burning into your skull. Then, you give up and pet them because... well... just because. It's hard to hate that.

Don't you hate it when - for the first time in 100 times at the drive-thru - you don't check your coffee before you drive away and there's half a pound of sugar in it when you asked for only cream. This only happens when you don't check your coffee. The 99 times you check your coffee, it is perfect. In science textbooks, this is known as Cormier's Drive-Thru Law. This also applies to fast-food restaurant meals... like when you order a double cheeseburger and arrive home to find that they gave you a bag full of only lettuce with ketchup squirted on it.

Don't you hate it - speaking again of drive-thrus - when the car in front of you orders their Christmas dinner and asks for it to be blessed by the pope, when all you want is a cup of coffee? If you want to order a banquet, get out of your car and go inside. Drive-thrus are for quickie orders, not Christmas dinner.

Don't you hate it when you arrive at the cashier at the coffee shop at the same time as someone else and decide to be nice and let them go in front of you, and then they order coffee for the entire office? And I mean so many coffees that they have to be brought out in a box, never mind a tray... and then they order a billion doughnuts on top of that. Why couldn't they have just admitted they had a big order and let you go first? This is known as Cormier's Two-people-at-the-cash-at-the-same-time Law.

Don't you hate it when you're at a variety store and let an elderly person go ahead of you because they have a bottle of arthritis pain medication and you feel sorry for them and want them to feel better right away? And then they look at you and smile and you hear your guardian angel whisper in your ear, "You did good, Brian. You are one step closer to heaven." And just before the elderly person leaves after finishing their purchase, they say, "Oh, can I get these lottery tickets checked?"... and pulls a stack of tickets six inches thick out of their pocket?

Yeah... me, too.

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