Thursday, February 17, 2011

What good is getting an award if you don't scream and cry?

Hump Day
By Brian Cormier
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Moncton Times & Transcript
Editorial section

The Grammys were held on Sunday. The Oscars are being presented in less than two weeks. Earlier, there were the Golden Globes, the SAG Awards, American Music Awards, People's Choice Awards and a bunch of other more obscure prizes given out to celebrities during what is called "awards season."

I love watching awards shows. I even love the fake scripted banter between the presenters. I love the awkward faces of those who lose and pretend to be happy about it. I especially love seeing really grateful winners have a difficult time getting two words out during their acceptance speech... not because I want to make fun of them afterwards... but because they're sincerely touched by the award.

If you're an awards show junkie like me, nothing burns my britches more than some snotty celebrity who gets up on stage after winning and acts like they were just given a traffic ticket rather than having just won an Oscar, Emmy or Grammy that has been voted on by their peers. When I win my Oscar, I can assure you that I'll leap on stage like a rabbit hopped up on every drug known to mankind and scream incoherently into the microphone as my mascara-stained tears roll down my face.

And when the music would start to play as my cue to leave the stage, I'd give the orchestra leader a look so evil that it could only mean he'll be having an Oscar surgically removed from a certain crevice in his body if he doesn't stop the music immediately. This is my moment, buddy... don't ruin it.

I'm no singer, but when I win my Grammy for best spoken word recording - probably for reading some really deep philosophical book I don't understand - I will again freak out and cry. I have a reputation to uphold.

My Emmy will probably be won in the writing category, surely for some made-for-television movie that made the ladies faint, grown men cry and a generation of young people turn to scriptwriting. Yeah, that will be sweet, too. By then, I'll be calmer since it would be my third time on stage and I'd be getting a bit used to it by then. Heck, I'd probably even be expecting it. I'd still bawl a little bit, though.

Then, the last trophy in the quadruple crown of entertainment would be the Tony Award for my one-man show on Broadway. The entire play would be me sitting on a chair placed in the middle of the stage. It will be a two-hour monologue written entirely by me and also acted out by me. I'll make people laugh. I'll make them cry. People will be screaming with laughter. People will be wracked in gut-wrenching sobs. A few people will probably have heart attacks and strokes and drop dead in the audience.

Oh, it will be grand, I tell you.

Well, maybe not the heart attacks and strokes part. That wouldn't be fun. . and would probably distract the audience a bit, especially those sitting right next to the poor people who get stricken.

And when I'd accept my Tony, there would - of course - be a prolonged standing ovation because of my having achieved the last elusive jewel in that entertainment award crown. I would, of course, receive the Tony from Whoopi Goldberg, the last entertainer to have achieved this feather in her cap way back in 2002. It hasn't been done since - and maybe it won't be again until I eventually do it.

Now, I can assure you that people will want to watch me win my awards. My acceptance speeches will be heartfelt, tearful and pretty much hysterical. You'll barely be able to understand a word I say. But isn't that the fun part of awards shows? Like I said, if there's something that drives me nuts, it is when someone wins a huge award and gets up on stage to make their acceptance speech and they're about as excited as the last time they changed the roll of toilet paper in the bathroom.

I'm screaming at the television, "Cry! Scream! Faint! Show some emotion!" Heck, if I just won a huge award that made my asking price for roles double, I'd be crying with happiness, I can assure you!

Yeah, I love awards shows... and I love it when people show some emotion when winning. I loved it when a shocked Adrien Brody won the best actor Oscar and smooched an equally shocked Halle Barry on the lips for what seemed like an eternity. And speaking of Halle Barry, who could forget the night she became the first African-American woman to win a best actress Oscar? She was a complete mess. And I loved it.

And remember when Susan Lucci won her best daytime actress Emmy after an astounding 19 nominations? Lots of tears from her and a lengthy show of love from the crowd. Look it up on YouTube. It's a great moment.

I'd be all for having a panel of judges yanking an award out of a winner's hands if they don't show enough gratitude and emotion. There should be a 15-second timer that starts as soon as the winner arrives at the podium. If there have been no tears or other visible gratitude by the end of 15 seconds, a gong would sound and the award immediately taken from them and given to one of the other nominees.

That should get me the crying and hysterics I want to see! If I'm going to sit through a four-hour Academy Awards telecast, the least the winners can do is have brain aneurysms live on television after hearing their name called as the winner.

1 comment:

Sarah Butland said...

I love the "when I get my..." aspect of this as if you want it and work for it then it's yours. And I'm sure the whole world will know when the ceremony will be televised and I'll surely be watching it!

Not to see you cry, scream out of character or jump like a rabbit on drugs but to see someone deserving win something so momentous.